Tears, and an anxious, heavy heart tonight.
I'm reading, and listening to some of the world's current public conversation, the back and forth of 'love the Muslim' and 'kill the Muslim', 'love the enemy' and 'kill the enemy'. And no sooner do I hear the spiritual whispers to my heart of 'Love your neighbor...love your enemy...love God', then my fears speak up and say 'protect your family', and what would I, should I, do 'IF'?
Will I regret NOT being armed, physically and emotionally, and ready to waste the enemy that threatens my family? Could I live with myself if I thought I had sacrificed my daughters, my grandsons, my neighbors to violence, evil violence? But for my lack of preparation, but for my lack of backbone, but for my lack of rational, realistic, hard-nosed manly human 'protect your tribe, your species' instincts?
I'm not a Christ. I'm not dying to save the world; to lay down my life for … my enemy … Confusing.
So confusing, so torn. At the same time I, my contrarian self, want to rail against those who are so quick to judge, so quick to instantly react in principled defensive posture, so convicted and RIGHT in their view, their right to live, their responsibility to armor themselves with self-righteousness, to muster an Old Testament spirit of CONQUER and protect MY land, MY covenant, MY God's will …
Wait, stop, breathe … FEAR WILL NOT RULE ME … the darkness will not take over my heart, please God, help. Easily said, stumblingly practiced, to gird myself with peace, love and joy in defense against fear.
At some point in every day I remember that each breath is a gift, that each moment is precious, and so much more precious than I am deserving of.
How do I react? I am forgiven, by my Father, my Creator, however I act, react … or be still. And however pounding my heart drums, however surealisitically crystalline my mind wavers from fuzzy to focused and back. Clear and then muddy, and then clear, and then muddy. God is here, in the clear and in the muddy; and I am forgiven; I am child; I am creature created by Creator; I am loved.
Precious moments, sure, and yet only a blip on the human timeline, only a vapor – then gone. I'm not the most important being on this planet, or even in my moment.
Once again, I'm chasing down another and another and another rabbit hole of diversion, distraction...so much to be conjured up from yesterday.
How do I Love My Neighbor? How do I Love My Enemy? How do I Love God?
Lord, bring peace to our neighborhood – your amazing creation, this mystery you breathed into existence.